Tokens of our times together baby .

A memory from today for the wonder that you are baby. I was in half a mind this morning to take off from work and keep you home with me wondering if you were feeling alright . The last couple of days you were not yourself coming back from daycare . But as soon as you had your Magic potion of chocolate paalu , you were the usual daisy and back in form saying " Ms Mona is waiting , let's go ". Some lesson there for me on putting our worries to rest and getting on with life. But I kept worrying if you were running temperature all through in a corner of my mind even later at work and we went back a little earlier than usual to pick you up . You see a mothers job is never done, she wants to keep you in her swaddle while still knowing she needs to show you how to be self dependent . The paradox of modern motherhood . I work because I want to show you that this is somehow possible, to assert my independence of being a working individual while masking the angst of not being available to you 8 -9 hours a day , there is a resulting guilt most times but if I returned to being a stay at home mom , is there a guarantee that I will be a more adequate parent to you ?
You are too little now to give me a coherent answer to this question but I hope I will do well enough for you to answer me in the negative some day .
We later went to the pizza place which had you all animated . It brings me untold joy when i see how little things make you as merry as this pizza outing . I wish you could remember and freeze this little episode and continue to be happy like that even after you are fully grown .  You sat like a little moppet and finished your little cheese pizza like there's no tomorrow. And as for tomorrow, let's see what that holds out for us , yes? .

Good night , sleep tight my dearest.

Baby diaries - 1

You are doing a lot of kicking these days and its started pretty early today...i can't wait to have you out and take a look at you. You are the only anticipation in this otherwise banal place....sometimes i wonder what is with all this moving business we do, cities, borders, countries, different places and experiences juxtaposed in the one little life we have. I was happy growing up in one place for the first 15 yrs of my life and did pretty well despite that, yes? I love to travel and discover new places and its people but to move, bag and barrel and set up a new home in a foreign land is another thing entirely.

This is a country i visited when i was much younger but did not feel particularly dislocated like i do now. Perhaps it was the curiosity then. There is everything here and yet nothing. There is a GPS that gives you direction if you are lost since there is no passerby you can simply stop and ask. No maid comes in to do the dishes because there is a dishwasher. No electrician to fix a fan as there is a user manual that accompanies  the partly assembled fan that you simply ordered over the internet, so you didn't even have to visit a store to buy. The only human intervention was the delivery man. Sometimes i step out to take a walk to explore the perfectly manicured lawns of the community and find i am the only one doing so. An occasional runner may pass you by but with a perfect, almost zombie like focus which you are too scared to disturb with a customary greeting.

Your father doesn't really have to go to office everyday and i don't have to fret about his timings and traffic hassles though. So there's more time to be spent with him. And there are no annoying salesmen or fruit vendors ringing the bell to disturb you at ungodly hours here. The air seems cleaner although i assume greater unseen pollution happens in this part of the world considering the number of gadgets they use. And there is a great big library nearby we just discovered where i can spend insane hours reading all the bestsellers and classics. It makes me unreasonably ecstatic, the discovery of this library.

Nevertheless, i miss everything that is India which rightfully should have been your birthplace as it has been for your father and I. I never realized i would think so much about my country as i do now. There is something to be said about the land, teeming with its millions, which makes living so much more worthwhile. The weather is warm and its people, even warmer.

Anyway, this crisscrossing that you've begun even before being born might just trigger the wanderlust in you i guess. Travel all you want my child. I would love to know that travel is one of your great loves, just like me. Going to new places and meeting new people is one of the most enriching experiences one can have but try and find a home in a place where your heart is. A sense of stability is important in these highly volatile times. For instance, i feel at home in Hyderabad, where i own a home, a family and good circle of well meaning friends. This place feeds my soul.

I hope i can give you a childhood just like mine. Open spaces, plenty of play, lots of friends and a sibling too. Unlike so many kids i see today, i wouldn't want you needling gadgets and staring at LED screens too long. Climb the trees , fiddle with the clay, go swimming, read books, sing songs and chatter all you can, these are things that make for great memories once you are all grown up.

I have decided to write you these letters until you arrive. It seems to be the best thing to do while i wait in anticipation of the coming months.

Love you already,

Ma.

Lest we forget

The state of dismal affairs of our public life sometimes exasperates me and i think, if i were to escape India now and return in three years time, would it be any different , would my city's roads be cleaner, will the traffic have eased up ,may be just a bit , will the air i breathe be a tad cleaner. And then an overriding sense of guilt overtakes me but haven't most of us become this way? How many times have we contemplated doing something for our cities whose roads we traverse everyday? OK, forget the city, how many times have we helped a hapless passerby ? Just when stories of our citizen's everyday insensitivity besiege me, i am reminded of an incident that changed these beliefs and restored my faith in basic human goodness.

I was a b-school student on my way to interior Andhra from Chennai for an uncle's wedding. I had just arrived at the Chennai airport clutching the lone ticket to Rajahmundry to which only one specific airline flew. The ticket was booked by my father and i was juvenile enough to be travelling cashless and cardless, so sure was i of the Indian Airline system, not anticipating flight cancellations.

Murphy's law prevailed and promptly i was brushed off by the very unassuming person at the counter that the flight had been cancelled . I looked around helplessly and called my father wailing my heart out. Busy with the wedding preps in the background , i was promptly instructed to take the bus back to bangalore. No way i decided , once i hung up was i getting back to the grind while the rest of the khandaan made merry at a destination wedding. But little did i know how i was going to reverse the situation. I hadn't realized what a perfect spectacle i had made of myself to the passersby until a perfect stranger, dressed from head to toe in white, walked up and said "Kya hua beti ? Anything i can do to help? ".

Unsure and untrusting, with all kinds of horror stories of rape and molestation rampant in my head, i  hesitated briefly before the gentleman, bless his soul flashed his card at me for reference, which revealed he was an IAS officer, a director at one of the prominent SEZs in the south of the country. I told him my story even as he led me to the an alternate airline counter making enquiries on my behalf to a place closer to my destination and flashed a ticket for a flight leaving in the next half hour.Intensely uncomfortable with accepting undue favors from anybody, i was torn between my urge to travel and the desperate need for help but finally gave in , when something about him told me he was a sincere man genuinely willing to help. He seemed to sense my predicament when he asked me not to worry and that i could always call him to transfer the money to his bank account later on.I couldn't thank him enough while i made my way into the check in counter and made it just in time for the grand wedding.

It is another story that i had to track this man down over the next 6 months before he was able to share his bank account details with me.

Do you have a similar story of incredible goodwill and help?

Random Banter

...between the 4 yr old terror called the niece and I.

Her: Put me to sleep.
Me (full love gushing ): Oh sure ! Should i read you a story?
Her: Yeah.The Pinocchio One.
Me: Ok.
We are halfway though the story while she stays wide awake only to butt in right in the middle of the story to recite her own version of how Pinocchio actually turns the master into a puppet!.And so the said story ends.
Me: You are still not sleeping. What do you want me to do?
Her: Ok then sing me a song!
Not accustomed to singing lullabys i break into the all time favorite "Lag Jaaa Galey "at two notes lower than it is suppossed to be sung in .
Her (by now utterly bored and giving me the most condescending "What! You can't get a child to sleep" look): Ok one more story and  you can leave .
Me, in obedience and graditude, seek Pinocchio for rescue again.This time she looks semi comatose almost whilst i look up once in a while from the book to check on her. I finish the story but linger on afraid any movement will make her stir. She then suddenly looks at me and says most incredulously  "Why you still here?

Right , why was i still there ? Shouldn't one just do what one is told to do?

The bell does not toll for thee

Here again i come to muse ...the sight yesterday was heartwarming, complete strangers that otherwise amble by in sweet ignorance on other days were seen hugging each other in joy , thunderous clapping, almost rhythmic, was heard from the cafeteria as the runs to win dropped serially from 10 to 4, united in victory , divided in apathy ..such were the goings on at the workplace as collective eyeballs were glued to the most mouthwatering face off between India and Australia yet on TV live from Ahmedabad. The mass fervor triggered off when the National Anthem played out at the beginning of the match.It unfolded many times over through the course of the match in a sudden cry, a quicker pulse or a skipped beat . How startling the camaraderie , how wondrous the joy when mundane boundaries of designations, roles , teams and processes were forgotten in the name of one binding force - INDIA .I had the strangest feeling that the mass hysteria generated magnetic vibes which somehow managed to pass through in a supernatural sphere to the boys in uniform prompting them to perform .

Cut to today, after the initial euphoria , little else is different. It is business as usual. What is with the short lived patriotism i ask ,why do we cheer in an inane cricket match , display all the misplaced fervor and passion and then inch back along life like nothing happened?Why do our collective heartbeats skip as we wait for the ball to cross the boundary or that bat to swing or for that "NOT OUT " sign to emerge and then merrily sleepwalk through all the other national maladies afflicting our lives?Why do we not cry hoarse at the roads that never get built or the ones that do and crumble almost instantly?or the water supplies that run out before summer barely arrives ?Why do we not question where our tax money goes while the Hasan Alis of the world hoard their black crores?Why do  we watch in horror as scams after scams tumble out like skeletons in the closet one minute and then as tardily switch to the entertainment channels?Why do we let a frivolous few control our lives at large and not take charge of  issues that beckon us ourselves?Why , in our minds , are we so disconnected with each other ? Why don't the deaths of our soldiers or our policemen affect us? Why don't the rampant rapes and murders of women in our country spur us?

Surely , when John Donne wrote this, he didn't mean us .

No man is an island, entire of itself
every man is a piece of the continent, a part of the main
if a clod be washed away by the sea,
Europe is the less, as well as if a promontory were,
as well as if a manor of thy friends or of thine own were
any man's death diminishes me, because I am involved in mankind
and therefore never send to know for whom the bell tolls
it tolls for thee.

No , my dears , he didn't mean you and me , no other man's death outside our family diminishes us. We don't think of each other as part of one country, forget the continent .No, we are not involved in mankind and no you don't think that when the bell tolls, it tolls for thee.

"Tumhare Chehre Ke Jhuriyon Mein Mere Jeevan Ka Saaransh Hai"

Was up watching the 1984 movie Saaransh on Zee Classic late last night.Unlikely, most of the time that , an 80's hindi flick would keep me up all night considering, that according to me, it was the decade of cliches in Bollywood.You may beg to differ but 80s were a decade that saw little experimentation barring a few notables like Masoom ,Ijazat etc and were largely marked by brazen dialogues mouthing "main tumhare bacche ki maa banne wali hoon" or some such , garish song and dance sequences (remember the jitender and sridevi number "tohfa tohfa laya laya") matched by equally flashy outfits .

Saaransh ,on the other hand had me completely glued . A compelling story of an ageing couple in suburban Bombay trying to come to terms with the death of their only son, Ajay,in a mugging incident in faraway USA.With no income coming in for retired Headmaster Pradhan (Anupam Kher) and his wife,Parvati (Rohini Hattangadi) , they sub let the room that once belonged to the son to small time actress Sujata(Soni Razdan) involved in a discreet relationship with the spineless Vilas, son to a local politician crime lord.She soon transforms from a stranger to a confidante.

Anupam Kher and Rohini H's performances are so real and their grief so all encompassing that you find yourself  nodding in total agreement when she says "Hamara Ajay wapas aa raha hai ", reacting to the news of  Sujata carrying her love child whose paternity Vilas retracts from claiming under duress .Suddenly , the old couple is thrown into a scuffle with all and sundry ranging from the local goons employed by Vilas's father to the corridors of power,basically the world in general exposing , along the way, cracks in society's attitudes to single women, corruption and economic disparity, all in an effort to bring Sujata to justice.

While Pradhan is doing all this to find reasons to keep living , Parvati is selfishly protecting Sujata believing she is,in fact carrying her son, Ajay .One cannot grudge her conviction in the punar-janam of sorts because Rohini as Parvati is brilliant in her role as a grieving mother alternately bordering on insanity.It is hard to believe this was Anupam Kher's debut film, so accomplished is he in the craft that one can't help but feel moved when he attempts to pull Parvati from the depths of despair as he tells her "Tumhara anth hai. Mera anth hai .Magar jeevan anthheen hai.", loosely translated to mean, you will end someday and so will I but life itself is endless. It has to go on.

And that's the way it is!

The deciding moment is here , the voice in my head tells me , now is when all the forces of the cosmos combine to make all things possible, take that step, enroll in that dance class, go to that fitness programme at PINK, watch all those Oscar nominated movies, finish all those books you've been trying to finish for a while now( right now at the end of DORK , somewhere in between The Reluctant Fundamentalist and vaguely at the begining of  The Liar's Poker)...show some spirit woman!

The job that you now do only for the paycheque, the CV that you've been meaning to perk up with that certification for god-knows-how-long!, the people that you need to shut out and those that need to be welcomed, the friendships waiting to be renewed, the trips that you've always been planning but not taking (reasons too insignificant to be bloggable).....only one tip for these.....YOU KNOW WHAT YOU HAVE TO DO!....

Just so that the above homily is not brought to nought , listen to this song for some additional adrenaline rush:

Better Get Livin'- Dolly Parton

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MKeulwZ3sGE&feature=player_detailpage